All My Affairs Blog

I am completely without fear

• I could not write the code for a complicated website if there was a gun to my head.
• My project manager is a guy named Vikas.  I've never met him. Never even spoken to him on the phone.  He lives 11 time zones away.
• Implementation will probably be magnitudes harder than I think it will be.
• My ideas on introducing people to All My Affairs are ... unconventional.
• I've spent three months and $22,000 ... so far.
• I only have $10K left.
• The longest hours are yet to come.
• I have no idea if anyone will ever use it.
• Once it is released I will need to work and work some more making it better.

but,

• I'm grateful.
• I Love.
• I'm Loved.
• It is the right project for me.
• I'm doing what I believe in.  I'm passionate about it.
• I'm giving it 110%
• As Paul Simon would say, "My momma loves me."

What else is there?  Pursue what you believe in 110%.  Leave the rest to chance, because after your part, nothing more you can do anyway.  (I did my homework, worked a business plan, researched, planned, discussed, whatever, whatever, whatever.  In the end, I believe, that stuff isn't why you fail or succeed.  I'm not sure what is, I'll tell you when I get there.) 

But like I said, I'm going to leave it all on the field.

I read today that there is a difference between fear and anxiety. Fear is the reaction to a bad situation that keeps you alive, healthy, happy, etc.  Anxiety is making up the bad situation in your head.  I've got anxiety.  About allmyaffairs.com: I don't have enough recovery causes, these merchants don't want to work with me, I'm going to run out of money, this thing will never get off the ground.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  That's anxiety.  I'm grateful I can recognize it as such.

Recognize and ignore anxiety and leave it all on the field.  That's how I became completely without fear.

Thanks to the Big Moo for helping my thoughts on this one.  It's funny, the best business books are spiritual.  And I've learned a lot about business from The Dalai Lama and a guy named Chuck C.

A Fellowship

Two guys who used to attend my homegroup came back last night to give each other their 10 year chips.  They met in a halfway house and became best friends over the last ten years.  I want those kind of friendships.  Not that I don't have them, just that I hope I am fortunate enough that they will be stronger still a decade from now.

These were two guys who, by their own admission, nobody would have said had a prayer 10 years back.  Broken and drug addicted, they stumbled in and found each other.  Now, instead of stories of about  drinking, bars, and drugs, they have stories of wives and children and jobs and gratitude.

It's the little stories that show me the truth and expose my sometimes hiding gratitude and sentimentality.  I'm grateful for my friends and my life.

Anonymity Online

One issue I have thought a fair amount about when developing an online resource for recovery is the principle of anonymity.  "We always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films."

I'm fairly certain 12 step pioneers did not envision blogs, social networks, or the online world in general.  So I guess what was the intent?   MY guess is that one person helping another online would not only be allowed, it would be encouraged.  Anonymity need not be broken.  Besides, maximum service is the mandate.  What about the blogger who reveals her identity in order to be of maximum service?

Bill Moyers wrote a book called Broken, where his 12 step membership is publicized.  He states

"Not talking about my program of recovery would be like a marathon runner not talking about training. Although I'm breaking my anonymity, I protect the anonymity and confidentiality of others in the program. This is everybody's story: the still-suffering alcoholic, recovering people and families, and, hopefully, those who don't have a clue about my disease. I wrote this book to help smash the stigma of addiction and carry the message."

How much you want to say, do, think or feel with respect to anonymity and recovery is completely up to you.  After all, this isn't a cult.  The online recovery community AllMyAffairs will have first name, last initial.  In addition, though there will be a place for pictures, images of anything and everything are encouraged.  Your face is completely optional.  AllMyAffairs will be a place of a larger message.  Though individual thoughts and reiterations of group thoughts are what drive recovery, the individual is far less important than the whole.

On a slightly different note, I met a girl last night who leaves for college in a week.  It is a small school in a small town with no recovery community.  It occurred to me how important online recovery is.

AllMyAffairs.com

We have a tentative launch date for our private release.  October 20th.

It is a sober social network with a twist.  Your actions support recovery causes.  There will be more details to come, but for now I would love to hear any and all thoughts about which recovery causes should be supported.  There are no restrictions as of yet (501c3, # of members, etc.) so please, tell me what you think.  Tell your friends to tell me what they think.  The only requirement is the desire to further recovery.  Thoughts can be emld to:  byron a t  allmyaffairs dt com. 

If you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, but want to know more, shoot me an email.  If you would like to be part of the initial private release, go to AllMyAffairs and submit your name and email. 

A note on the development process.  I am using an Indian development firm.  I keep waiting for them to say, "You got got.  Thanks for the cash."  Yes, I'm actually waiting for them to say it, not just do it, which would, of course, be the way it would happen.  I don't know if this is a fear born of doing business in a strange digital age or my own instinctive skepticism.  Certainly both.  But I've done my best in choosing a firm and I will roll out my parts of the development process on schedule.  Perhaps the rest isn't up to me.

The Art of Happiness

I am reading The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler.  It is about life and, not surprisingly, how to be happy.  Cutler interlaces science, psychology, and his perspective through the words of The Dalai Lama. 

Interestingly, The Dalai Lama has been trained, since the age of four, how to seek enlightenment within himself and how to be happy and maintain grace in an increasingly complex and arguably hostile world.  Though I am only about two-thirds through, I would recommend the book.

In my opinion, the principles of the twelve steps are not too dissimilar from the buddahist principles The Dalai Lama employs in his life.  Compassion, empathy and perspective, are all crucial elements to a happy life. 

"Researchers have conducted a number of experiments demonstrating that one's level of life satisfaction can be enhanced simply by shifting one's perspective and contemplating how things could be worse.  In one study, women at the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee were shown images of the extremely harsh living conditions in Milwaukee at the turn of the century or were asked to visualize and write and write about going through personal tragedies such as being burned or disfigured.  After completing this exercise, the women were asked to rate the quality of their own lives.  The exercise resulted in an increased sense of satisfaction with their lives." -p. 23

There were other specific examples of the healing power of a compassionate and empathetic perspective being a key to happiness.  In my limited experience, I don't think it matters why we help out the newcomer.  It doesn't matter if you believe your positive experiences post bottom have unlocked the better nature of your soul or if you actively think about what you are getting out of it.  Either way, the act helps them and you to get and stay happy, joyous, and free.

"No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experiences can benefit others." -p.84 bbaa"

Self pity will kill us; compassion and empathy will heal us.

Blog feeds

I like feeds for blogs because you can, in one place, view all the blogs you read, and immediately see what has been updated.  If you want to know more about feeds or get a feed for your blog, either check with your blog provider or go to feedburner.

Feeds can be delivered by email, into a reader, or onto a homepage.  Either way, it makes keeping up with the blogs you read easier.  It also makes it easier for your reader to keep up with yours.

Another Important Responsibility Statement

I alone am reponsible for my happiness, my integrity, my well-being, and my life.  I think people resist giving up substances, habits, jobs, or people because after he/she/it is gone, we are left completely without it.  We know we are responsible for our life without it.

It all seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?

I suppose it does.  But it wasn't always so for me.  A refusal to face the fact that, when left without something, I am alone in the facet of life where I recently had something, and I am responsible for occupying the time and emotion that will take its place, has led me to do powerful things.  This lack of acceptance has caused me to decieve myself more fully than anything else ever has.

But the same lesson applies even without removal of something.  I alone am responsible for me.  My happiness, moment to moment is my responsibility.  Often times we cling to people because without them we need to make solo decisions (and live with the consequences).  Often times we cling to a job, a business, a story, or a way of life because the status quo means we are not responsible.  Usually we know when something is wrong, but fail to act because it is safer not to make a decision or own our own happiness.

Coming to understand this is part of my journey.  Thanks to Nancy for her help with this one.

Some thoughts, maybe a rant

Some thoughts for today:

1.

When someone comes back into my day-to-day, back into the rooms I go to, or back into my circle of influence, I am grateful.  I am happy.  This is true whether they've been gone for two weeks or two years.

We needn't discuss where they've been, why they left or why they came back.  Sometimes it is discussed because it is important for them.  But it doesn't need to be discussed.  So if you've left for some reason and are afraid to come back for how it will all go down or how you'll be looked at ... don't be.  I assure you - we all knew you were human in the first place, you were missed and thought about, and a bunch of people probably just want to give you a hug.  Hopefully you won't stay gone for too long.

2.

Last night someone I respect a lot said there were a lot of people in his life that he wished would suffer just a little more so they would be forced to change.  They'd be better off if they could cross the line (without too many consequences).

I think this is true of just about the whole wide world.  Most of us live in an unnecessary state of discomfort.  Despite what many say, Americans have a high tolerance for pain.    That tolerance manifests itself in too much work, too much indulgence, and too much hanging on instead of embracing and living.

(I have not traveled enough abroad to make this statement about other cultures, though I imagine high tolerance to pain (especially emotional pain) is a human thing.)

Ultimately, there is too much self-centeredness.  This trait, in my mind, is an exhibition of high tolerance to pain.  Selfishness is only human nature to a reasonable level.  Beyond that, it is born of culture, history, media, and ego.  But too many are unaware that they need not exhibit such a level of selfishness to get through their day and their life.  Some are aware it causes pain, some are not.  Either way, I believe a reduction in the human tolerance to pain, would benefit the world.

Did you ever notice how people come together in times of crisis.  The pain is too great to be weathered alone.  Shouldn't we apply that lesson to our everyday, only minor/self crises life?  Maybe if we collectively crossed the line, the pain would be great enough to where we would have to live as though we needed each other to get through this very day.

Maybe people would speak easier, disagree softer yet more completely, aim to help others more.  It is my hope that AllMyAffairs.com will not just be an example of recovery to those who need it in the classic or clinical sense, but be an example of recovery to all. 

I would like not to water down my ideals (I think I've done a pretty good job in this post).  I could be broader, less niche, and appeal to more people, but then what would I stand for - money?  Money doesn't get me up in the morning.

Pat H. - #3

Pat,

Hope the trip was good, back safely, and all's well in your world.

Yesterday I got the first negative feedback.  Someone commented that I was part of the problem.  You and I know that it's my goal to be part of the solution.  I was surprised, pissed off, and a bit offended.  I have been really happy that there is this sort of outpouring of support so far.  A lot of people have offered to help in any way they can.  It's been awesome.  Why is it that I dwell on the negative, as opposed to seeing the positive?

I wish that things would roll off my back.  I feel as though I'm doing inspired work.  Not change the world stuff - but my part.  I think it's important that I remember my beliefs, and let others have their opinions too.  Easier said than done, I guess.

On the positive side, I didn't react.  I paused.  At first I started to shoot off an email with explatives I won't share here.  But I didn't.  I don't know why that person said what they said.  For whatever reason, they had to say it, and the reason is neither my business, nor particularly important to me.

And the site developer backed out on me yesterday.  Once again, didn't react.  Half an email of explatives was erased by a plan for finding a new team, which is well underway (five bids already).  Looks like the launch date may even be moved up slightly.

Just a side note - this is not me.  I send the nasty emails.  I hold resentments.  I tell everyone I know about bad experiences and people who suck.  I wallow in my problems until someone else fixes them.

But the person who handles these things with a bit of dignity and grace is me - on the program.  I think that the more I live with "me - on the program", the more it becomes just "me."  Thanks for your help with all that.

Byron

There Comes a Time

I posted the rest of this on the AllMyAffairs temporary welcome page.  Thanks dAAve and the anonymous author.

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he or she is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (they are entitled to their own views and opinions)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche ... goto AllMyAffairs.