All My Affairs Blog

Is knowing your own weaknesses the greatest skill in life?

I believe it may be.

And the greatest gift may be the ability to ask for them to be removed.

6 + 7

Some of my greatest weaknesses are

1. Thinking I know a lot.
2. Comparing what I know to what others know.
3. Being too self-reliant.  Thinking if I will it hard it enough, it will happen.

These are, of course, only a few of my weaknesses.  I have many.  The irony is, if you asked me two and a half years ago, I would have said these were some of my strengths.  Progress.

Spiritually Sick isn't a real sickness

Plenty of people get sober without "formal" treatment from a treatment organization.  (As opposed to directly into AA, NA, or via some other method.)  Recovery would still exist without "treatment."  But my belief is that these organizations play a vital role.

So why are there so few of them?  Especially quality non-profits?

For instance, cancer and hiv/aids, to name only two, have far more non-profits dedicated to treatment, research, and education than alcoholism/drug addiction/substance abuse.  Cancer and hiv/aids organizations are clearly causes worthy of a great deal of support and resources.  But on a percentage of population basis, my anecdotal guess would be that substance abuse is a larger problem.

So why the disparate support and resources?

The only thing I can come up with is stigma.  "Alcoholics and drug addicts are weak.  They have no will power." 

Despite an evolving  popular mindset on the issue, this is still the feeling of many.

For over two years I tried to quit drinking.  Everyday the thought was, "I just need to get to nine o'clock.  Then the liquor store will be closed and I can go to bed."  My car no longer worked if I had any alcohol in my system, so I needed only to make it past nine, then get a little klonopin help, and I could make it through the day without a drink. 

7-9 every night were the longest hours of my life - and I had to live them everyday.  (Most nights I broke down at 8:57 and sped to the liquor store.)  It wasn't about will power. 

I can play squash for twenty minutes after I believe I've had a heart attack.  I can smoke a pack a day, then run for miles.  I can work everyday and most nights on something that may never show me dollar one.  And keep at it through doubts - because that is my vision.  I have will power.  Actually, a ton of will power.  But I couldn't stop filling my glass if you had a gun to my head.

I was sick.  Bodily, mentally, and spiritually sick.  It's the spiritually part that bothers some people.  It is my belief that spiritually sick, while maybe not on its way directly into the DSM, will increasingly be recognized as a serious ailment.  As much in need of treatment as cancer.

I'm grateful that there are organizations that help treat, educate about, and prevent substance abuse.  I just wish there were more.  I'm happy the alcoholism stigma is ebbing.  I just wish it was going slightly faster.  I'm happy, and grateful for the chance, to do my part in making my wishes reality.

Sorry about the slightly rambling post.  I guess I had more on my mind than I thought this evening.

As Good as it Gets

What is this thing Recovery and how is it supposed to play into our lives?  I mean, is this all we've got.  What am I supposed to do, go to meetings for the rest of my life and that's it?  Is this as happy as I'm gonna get?

These were some of the questions posed to me recently.  I'm the advisor (o or e?) who is supposed to answer questions like these.  Wow, that proposition still scares me.  But all I've got is my experience, so that's what I shared.

This thing is a launching pad.  A foundation.  It shows you how to live a life when you don't have a clue.  But it starts to give you a clue.  You start to understand a little bit about humility, compassion, and kindness.  You even become acquainted with the concept that it is actually better to help someone else than help yourself.  Great principles of existence are revealed and they start to become part of you.  You may not always remember them, but you always know that if forgotten too long, there is a reminder on a random wall in a random room in your random town.  A foundation is plain white.  Intricate architecture gets built on top of it.  Recovery is not all there is.  Recovery's the foundation, the blueprints and, depending on your experience, some of the architecture.  But it needn't, nor could it, be the whole building. 

My experience is not long, therefore it may not hold much weight to say that my life just keeps getting better.  But I listen to the people with a decade or two or five say that it keeps getting better everyday.  Not just easier not to take a drink, but the fourth dimension kind of better.  Where you have nothing but gratitude, and negative emotions pass like an interrupted dream in the morning.

I am completely without fear

• I could not write the code for a complicated website if there was a gun to my head.
• My project manager is a guy named Vikas.  I've never met him. Never even spoken to him on the phone.  He lives 11 time zones away.
• Implementation will probably be magnitudes harder than I think it will be.
• My ideas on introducing people to All My Affairs are ... unconventional.
• I've spent three months and $22,000 ... so far.
• I only have $10K left.
• The longest hours are yet to come.
• I have no idea if anyone will ever use it.
• Once it is released I will need to work and work some more making it better.

but,

• I'm grateful.
• I Love.
• I'm Loved.
• It is the right project for me.
• I'm doing what I believe in.  I'm passionate about it.
• I'm giving it 110%
• As Paul Simon would say, "My momma loves me."

What else is there?  Pursue what you believe in 110%.  Leave the rest to chance, because after your part, nothing more you can do anyway.  (I did my homework, worked a business plan, researched, planned, discussed, whatever, whatever, whatever.  In the end, I believe, that stuff isn't why you fail or succeed.  I'm not sure what is, I'll tell you when I get there.) 

But like I said, I'm going to leave it all on the field.

I read today that there is a difference between fear and anxiety. Fear is the reaction to a bad situation that keeps you alive, healthy, happy, etc.  Anxiety is making up the bad situation in your head.  I've got anxiety.  About allmyaffairs.com: I don't have enough recovery causes, these merchants don't want to work with me, I'm going to run out of money, this thing will never get off the ground.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  That's anxiety.  I'm grateful I can recognize it as such.

Recognize and ignore anxiety and leave it all on the field.  That's how I became completely without fear.

Thanks to the Big Moo for helping my thoughts on this one.  It's funny, the best business books are spiritual.  And I've learned a lot about business from The Dalai Lama and a guy named Chuck C.

A Fellowship

Two guys who used to attend my homegroup came back last night to give each other their 10 year chips.  They met in a halfway house and became best friends over the last ten years.  I want those kind of friendships.  Not that I don't have them, just that I hope I am fortunate enough that they will be stronger still a decade from now.

These were two guys who, by their own admission, nobody would have said had a prayer 10 years back.  Broken and drug addicted, they stumbled in and found each other.  Now, instead of stories of about  drinking, bars, and drugs, they have stories of wives and children and jobs and gratitude.

It's the little stories that show me the truth and expose my sometimes hiding gratitude and sentimentality.  I'm grateful for my friends and my life.

Another Important Responsibility Statement

I alone am reponsible for my happiness, my integrity, my well-being, and my life.  I think people resist giving up substances, habits, jobs, or people because after he/she/it is gone, we are left completely without it.  We know we are responsible for our life without it.

It all seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?

I suppose it does.  But it wasn't always so for me.  A refusal to face the fact that, when left without something, I am alone in the facet of life where I recently had something, and I am responsible for occupying the time and emotion that will take its place, has led me to do powerful things.  This lack of acceptance has caused me to decieve myself more fully than anything else ever has.

But the same lesson applies even without removal of something.  I alone am responsible for me.  My happiness, moment to moment is my responsibility.  Often times we cling to people because without them we need to make solo decisions (and live with the consequences).  Often times we cling to a job, a business, a story, or a way of life because the status quo means we are not responsible.  Usually we know when something is wrong, but fail to act because it is safer not to make a decision or own our own happiness.

Coming to understand this is part of my journey.  Thanks to Nancy for her help with this one.